Serious Science

There are a lot of people out there who just accept what ever comes across the newspaper headlines, Face Book news feed, evening news sound bite or in their email. 

For example I offer the "Thousand Dollar Bill" email that is somehow forwarded by otherwise stable people even after more than a decade of bunkhood. Or what about the one where they say Barak Obama is the President? Well known myths like these are perpetrated by people all the time, people who are willing to simply accept whatever is trotted out before them without performing even the most rudimentary verification of whether the statement/rumor/offer is in fact valid or true.

Why do people so frequently allow themselves to be caught up in such crazy coercions and fanciful forwards? I mean, from some people this type of involuntary impulse is not surprising at all. But too many people who have the advantage of neurotransmitters to allow for complex tasks such as typing ride this bandwagon too. Probably because it is easier to hit forward than it is to visit Snopes.com. Maybe because there are far more dreamers around then people let on.

At any rate THAT kind of behavior is not what you are going to find in this blog. No, in fact you will find the opposite: thorough research and investigation of matters deemed crucial to humanity, then a publication - sharing if you will - of the results with the populace of this little ball floating through space we like to call Earth. And such is the case today as I and my crack investigative team tackle an issue that, until now, haunted mankind for decades:

Which is better, Twizzlers or Red Vines?

The debate has run on and on, but for once and finally it is solved by the New View Research Crew - a team of highly skilled and trained experts gathered together for just these kinds of matters - consisting of my wife, teenage son and me. 

We scientifically approached this issue by first picking up a pack of each of these contenders for the twisted treat title at a local super center that I will not name (though it does rhyme with small dart). Then we sat in our living room watching Galaxy Quest and systematically eating samples of each one, cleansing our palettes with Diet Pepsi between sessions. The results of the team's painstaking effort to bring closure to this issue is revealed now, to you, for the first time.

We judged in three categories: aroma, flavor and consistency and then picked an overall winner based not on historical popularity, fancy packaging, claims of low and no fat, or bribes of obscene amounts of cash, but on hard, scientific proof. After all what is this the Academy Awards? 

WARNING: The following analysis will include highly sophisticated phraseology including terms such as, but not limited to, fruity, weird and licorice.

In the aroma category Twizzlers had a better fruit flavor while Red Vines had a hint of licorice. Both had a weird note in the aroma akin to play-doh. However the Red Vines took this to a higher level adding a hint of petro-chemically bouquet. One researcher said Red Vines were, "fruity with a hint of rubber."

In the all-important flavor category the Twizzlers came out as much fruitier than its counterpart. In fruitiness you could say Twizzlers were San Fransisco and Red Vines were Birmingham. However, neither one was overly fruit flavored.

And lastly, the consistency category. Red Vines were called "kind of plasticy," "dry" and "grainy." Twizzlers were less "kind of plasticy," "dry" and "grainy." Both just kind of disappeared after a few bites with tasters unable to explain what happened to them or where they went.

The Winner is: Twizzlers, which fared better in each category, though they were close enough that the expert research team decided more sampling was warranted, so they ate the remaining supply of both and determined to keep the results, but not rule out another study at some point in time. Like Tuesday maybe.